Being a dad. What this gig is really about.
I’ve been a dad for 11 years. A son for 39. I’ve interviewed hundreds of dads and spent 6 years exploring what it means to be a great dad. Here’s the 2-minute version of what I’ve learned.
Being a dad means loving your child unconditionally. Being a stable, consistent, present presence in their life, giving them the freedom to explore themselves and the world without ladling on your judgement.
It’s a full-time role on top of your day job and you’re always on call.
The first five years of which are super intense, then it changes as they become more able and independent. The intensity returns in a different flavour as their brain development speeds up with the introduction of hormones. You’ll only really see the fruits of your labour 15, 16, 17, 18 years down the line and you’ll spend a lot of the time in between thinking you’ve screwed it up.
The rewards though are beyond compare.
You will learn more about yourself in those years than you ever have done, if you take the time to pay attention and reflect. You will experience emotional highs you have never reached before. These will come along with some deeply low lows, but even within these moments you will be reminded about the value, fragility, and poignancy of life and these moments will help you stay focused on what really matters.
You will realise you can do things you never thought possible.
If you’re shy you’ll learn to stand up to teachers who are turning a blind eye to a bully. If you find it hard to talk about emotions, you will have the perfect person to practice with, someone who will never judge you (for the first six years at least). If you’ve always struggled to say no, or have workaholic tendencies (I raise my hand), you will have no choice but to put boundaries in place. When you do, you’ll wonder what you were so worried about before.
You earn the most privileged position in the world.
You will find yourself being one of the first people they turn to when, as a child, they’ve fallen and hurt themselves, when, as a teenager, they’ve screwed up, and as an adult they are having a wobble. You will have earned an exceptionally rare and special position, one that only a few people in the history of the world will ever earn. You will be the recipient of unconditional love and trust from the person you’ve raised.
But it costs.
You could get all of these things, but only if you actually put the time in, instead of staying in the office. Only if you fully show up to what being a dad really means, instead of hiding behind someone else’s idea of what dad does. Only if you take the time to reflect and learn from your mistakes, instead of filling your mind and time with other things.
It’s a choice.
If you choose to take it on properly you will play your part in creating something truly extraordinary. A well rounded human being. Someone who is confidently curious, who explores their world, who has resilience, better mental health and a clear idea of what healthy relationships look like.
Sounds like the best gig to me.
David’s exploring what it means to be a great dad, and particularly a patient one, after realising he was an angry dad. He writes at www.beingdads.com, where he shares tried and tested principles and practices on how to be a better dad.
